The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My life is pants optional.
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