I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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