I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
