why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
