she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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