I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well I can't set my house on fire every night
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
