i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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