Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
