I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
