i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize