So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
