Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
