The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
