my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize