I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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