Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
