I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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