just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
