god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
