What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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