Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize