My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
