When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
