Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
