I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
