My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
