What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
