I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
and you fell through a lawn chair
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