ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
