Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
