I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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