for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
