sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
