Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
