whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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