i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
