It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize