so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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