I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
