True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
