mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
