Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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