filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
