There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
