that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
