I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're making bets on your personal life
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
