Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
