oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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