a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
