Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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