You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just high enough for therapy.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He shit in the fireplace
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
