90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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