i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
