Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
