I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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