I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
