my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
