I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
