im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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