i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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