he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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